Steps

Months of pressing forward...just take the next step. God blesses small, faithful steps and big, fearful ones and those we take when we are pushed and we clumsily land a little dazed waiting for the next instruction. God is gracious and merciful and loving and kind and just. He is so different from us, so different from our earthly endeavors and yet, he understands. His word is clear that he cares and he has felt every feeling that we will ever experience. Since, the pressing forward is motivated by his sovereign plan—the pressing down can only be explained and patiently endured by his sovereign grace.

You are my deliverer and my strength. As you have faithfully held me in the past, I know that the trials of this moment are minute from your perspective. The onslaught of broken promises; the blood shot eyes that were so full of hope when they looked out the window of the rehabilitation center attempt to look any other direction than mine. How do I tell her little boy that she is going to jail? What else could have been done? Should I have just camped out on her front step? Oh Father, does your heart hurt when I break my promises to you? The numbing sound of a dial tone, confirmation that the conversation has been terminated without being completed. The rejection that was once a simple, questioned undercurrent is now a full blown tsunami. Do you feel an emptiness within your chest when I reject you by living for myself? Family member are supposed to love, forgive, understand and care. The members of your family are supposed to do the same, aren't we? We live so selfishly and choose our own way and your heart is broken—yet, you never give up. You never give up. Your mercies are new every morning. So, I am able to stand up and walk forward when, I would rather hide away—I am able to love when, the rejection has been so devastating that my emotions have been torn to shreds. 

My heart is so sad. I know that I am not alone but, my feelings scream otherwise. You are my majority. Today, I want to “want” according to your will and your perfect plan. I want to live according to whatsoever things are lovely and walk as a luminary of the Holy Spirit reflecting the fruit of your Light: love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance (Galatians 5:22-23) You Father, speak light and life so whom shall I fear? What dark sadness can diminish your everlasting day? Your light is not kindled by earthly measures. Your light is not extinguished by earthly means. Your light forces away the darkness. Your peace resonates a beautiful melody to even the most remote cavern of my soul. You fill my life with light and song and power and the will to take the next step.